You don’t have to be tuned into CNN every day to realize that our country is facing some serious medical issues. Number one on the playlist right now is the Ebola crisis and with winter fast approaching folks are worried about all of the varied strains of Flu to deal with. Here in Michigan there has even been a very nasty virus circulating through the schools. While all of these are very serious concerns I am going to add another condition that is a real problem to all of the parents out there. This particular ailment is not physical in nature and although my experience involves young boys I am sure parents of daughters have battled this as well. I could not find a true definition in any medical journal so I have taken it upon myself to name this affliction. (I am not a doctor nor did I play one on TV but dammit its my blog and I will do what I want.) I have named this particular disease Adolescent Airhead Disorder or AAD for short. You may also know it by its more common name, I would forget my head if it wasn’t attached to my shoulders syndrome.
I am sure one of your first questions is, “How can I tell if my child has AAD?” The simple answer is this. Look at your little bundle of love and ask them piercing questions like,” Do you have homework?” “Where in the world is your lunchbox?” and “Why are you only wearing one shoe?” If your future Rhodes Scholar looks at you with a blank stare and then mumbles, “I dunno.” Or if they nervously glance around the house waiting for the dog to come steal dinner off the table to divert the attention, then yes folks you probably have a child with AAD. In my house a simple question like, “didn’t you just have a coat on” can lead to 10 minutes of filibustering that would make a U.S. Senator blush. God forbid you ask your future rocket scientist something as challenging a, “hey, can you look and see if there is milk in the fridge.” In my house I may as well be asking for an essay on quantum physics before I get a real answer. Here is the good news. The next time you look at your beautiful child and ask, “what do you mean you left your half-finished science project on the bus and it is due tomorrow?” Know this. You are not alone. Millions of parents are suffering along with you. The fact that the beer and wine section at the grocery store continually expands is not a mystery my friend.
Alas, here is the bad news fellow frustrated parents. As of this posting there is no cure for AAD. No magic pill, no goofy organic supplement and although it has been tried, even shock therapy doesn’t work. Apparently, it is also frowned upon in most countries. I don’t understand why it can’t be used in small doses for Pete’s sake but that’s a blog for another day. So parents, the best we can do is sit back and understand what we are up against. Basically we face an army of adolescent goof balls that no matter how well they do at school can literally freeze up mentally when asked to put socks in their sock drawer. Maybe it is the constant electronic stimulation that makes them lose focus. Maybe it is feeding them processed chicken nuggets and frozen pizza 4 times a week. I already mentioned I am not a doctor, I am just brainstorming over here. Perhaps through repetition and training we can eradicate this plague from our children. On the other hand watching these little angels stumble around trying to figure out where they left their backpack is actually pretty entertaining after a cold beer or glass of wine.